Sunday, December 9, 2012

In my veins



You are in the sky I breathe
And in the earth I tread
And in the blood that flows
Turbulent through my veins...

You are in the Sun I wear
And the Moon I drink
And in the madness that spills
Unfettered from my lips...

I may be your slave, O Shambho,
But you are my prisoner...

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The pause...



Never have I heard you speak.
And yet I do know your voice.
A vague memory of the future
Lurks within me like a thief.
I listen, listen and listen
And I grow weary of the wait.
And in my madness I can hear
Voices spilling from the rocks.
But I do know what they are,
I know that you are silent. 

And then I hear it - the pause! 
The pause before you speak.
No sound yet, but the pause!
A silence as loud as a roar.
 

I know this pause is eternal.
I know you will never speak.

And yet, I am ecstatic...

Monday, September 10, 2012

Discovering laughter



If so be your wish, O Lord,
May all my years be in vain
But while I live and breath
May I never be grave again.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Formless

As I sit alone upon this rock
    Your name a song upon my lips.
I carry your face in my eyes,
      Your warmth in my finger tips...

I sit breathing upon this rock
    Breathing you, breathing you.
Here I fall into your arns
    Here I begin to long anew...

I sit drowning upon this rock
    With you above and you below,
Where you end and this rock begins,
    I do not know, I do not know...

*****

I happened to be browsing through Osho's commentary on Vigyan Bhairav Tantra and in the very first chapter, I came upon this dazzling gem of a thought. It feels like sacrilege, to credit Osho, the master of no-thought, with a thought! He would probably feel very offended and misunderstood! And yet, here it is...
Sutra:
Devi asks:
Oh Shiva, What is your reality? What is this wonder-filled universe?
 
(Osho's commentary)
.....
Devi asks Shiva,  Oh Shiva, What is your reality? – who are you? The form has disappeared; hence the question. In love you enter the other as himself. It is not you answering. You become one, and for the first time you know an abyss – a formless presence.
.....
Devi says, What is this wonder-filled universe? Suddenly there is the jump from a personal question to a very impersonal one. She was asking, What is your reality? and then suddenly, What is this wonder-filled universe? When form disappears, your beloved becomes the universe, the formless, the infinite. Suddenly Devi becomes aware that she is not asking a question about Shiva; she is asking a question about the whole universe. Now Shiva has become the whole universe. Now all the stars are moving in him, and the whole firmament and the whole space is surrounded by him. Now he is the great engulfing factor – "the great encompassing."
I, on my own, would have probably never seen the universe that lay hidden in the silence between those two sentences. It is pointless to say anything more about this gem of a thought that seems to have sprung from that silence, this crystallized no-thought. I am in awe. Are you?

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Amid the din

Skies turn over a grieving earth
As men perish and are born again
Amid laughs and tears and unending horrors
And moments of fleeting joy.
Warriors clash and thieves steal
And darker hearts grow darker still.
Children laugh and lovers kiss
And yogis sit silent in forests deep.

And amid this din, Krishna moves
From bliss to bliss, from bliss to bliss...

Monday, July 30, 2012

Follow the moon!


It is never easy to say what history will remember. Sometimes, people of no significance are remembered simply because of the circumstances that they lived in. And sometimes, some truly remarkable people are completely forgotten. Though they are forgotten by men, they leave their mark on life in subtle ways. Their stories are remembered by the earth and the sky. These stories are for those who know how to listen. One such story is the story of the poet Vishwakarma.

Vishwakarma lived thousands of years ago in a small kingdom at the foothills of the Himalayas. Though history has chosen not to remember him, during his lifetime, he was considered to be one of the greatest poets of all time. His skill with words was such that some believed his poems to be imbued with mystical power. His imagination was such that some believed he could see into other worlds. His songs lit up the lives of common men and women. They thrilled scholars. They even threw the mystics into raptures.

He lived in a small hut on a hill, on the outskirts of the capital city. Every now and then, he would enter the city and wander through the streets, singing his songs. The people loved him and would gladly give him the few things he needed to stay alive. But Vishwakarma was no beggar. He simply sang for the joy of singing. He would wander through the city all day and then finally depart in the evening for his little hut. Then, after about a month, he would return again with new songs.

One day the King announced a poetry competition. The one who would write the finest poem would be appointed as the court poet. As Vishwakarma drifted along the streets, lost in his own world, singing his songs, someone told him about the competition.

"The finest poem?" Vishwakarma wondered. It had never occured to him that there was such a thing. It was still just noon and he still had many songs left to sing. But without another word, he turned and left for his little hut outside the city.

A month passed, but Vishwakarma did not return to the city. A few of his admirers decided to visit him. They found him on the hill, sitting on a huge rock outside his hut. They asked him why he had not come to the city to sing his songs.

"The finest poem," he said. "I have been busy. But it is not ready yet."

"Sing us a few of your songs," they said. "We have missed you."

He smiled softly and nodded. A few songs had come his way as he waited for the finest poem to descend upon him. He began to sing. These men were already his admirers. They had grown used to, and had fallen in love with, the music of his soul. But they could not help feeling that these songs were something different. The sound went deeper into their hearts than ever before.

"Sing these songs in the King's court, Vishwakarma!" they said. "You will surely win!"

Vishwakarma smiled and shook his head. The finest poem was yet to come. His friends thanked him and went back to the city. The next day they walked the streets, singing Vishwakarma's new songs. The songs spread through the city and were soon heard in the palace as well. The King too was deeply moved. He had heard Vishwakarma's songs before, but he had never heard anything like these. He was delighted to hear that Vishwakarma was composing something special, something even better for the competition. He decided to postpone the competition until the great poet was ready.

Another month passed by, and Vishwakarma did not return to the city. This time, the King himself arrived at his little hut.

"My court needs you," said the King. "You are indeed the finest poet in my kingdom. Let us forget about the competition. I will make you my court poet right now if you agree."

Vishwakarma shook his head. His finest creation was still not done. But since the king had come all this way to see him, he closed his eyes and began to sing softly. Something strange happened. It seemed to the listeners as if he was no longer contained within his body. His presence had spilled out and had permeated the rocks, the trees, the hills and the sky. The birds fell silent. Even the wind seemed to fall under his spell. It danced with the gestures of his hands and rose and fell with his voice. It was as if the whole of creation was singing. When his song was complete, a deep silence fell around him.

Full of awe, the king bowed before him and left.

Since then, Vishwakarma never came to the city. Every day he would sit upon the huge rock outside his hut and he would wait. His friends brought the few things he needed from the city. Once a month, the King would arrive, accompanied by men and women from all walks of life. Vishwakarma would yield to their love and sing to them. They would drink from his soul and leave fulfilled. But the songs that he sang for them did not satisfy him. He remained unfulfilled. He continued to wait.

The longer he waited, the more his songs seemed to grow in power and beauty. His fame continued to spread and people began to come from distant kingdoms to listen to this strange mystic-poet. Other poets and artists wondered at the potency of his creations. Filled with both awe and jealousy, they began to believe that the source of his art was not human, that it was inspired by supernatural beings. Some said that Vishwakarma would visit realm of the gods and that the songs he sang were composed by the gods themselves. Others said that evil spirits visited him in the night and infused his poetry with their seductive power. Some of them decided to discover Vishwakarma's secret and sent a spy to watch him.

The spy arrived at Vishwakarma's hut in the middle of the night. He found Vishwakarma sitting on the rock as usual. There were no gods and no evil spirits. He hid behind the trees and began to keep watch from a distance. But there was nothing to see. There was just the frail form of Vishwakarma, sitting motionless in the moonlight. Finally, his curiosity overwhelmed him. He stepped out into the open and approached the rock. As he drew closer, what he saw filled him with amazement.

Vishwakarma's eyes were open and fixed upon the moon. He was looking at it intently, almost as if he were in a trance. Only his lips were moving, whispering strange and beautiful songs. Hours passed and Vishwakarma remained on the rock, locked in his trance. It soon became apparent to the spy that he was not entirely still, he was moving slowly, shifting his position on the spot so as to keep his eyes on the moon. Finally, when the moon set, he closed his eyes and became motionless. Filled with fear and awe, the spy ran back to the city.

Within a few days, everyone in the city knew - Vishwakarma got his inspiration from the moon! So they had been right - his songs came from a supernatural source. Soon, hundreds of poets began to spend their nights on terraces, staring at the moon. But no songs came forth for them. Some of them consulted the scholars and priests about this strange practice, but no one had any explanations. Finally, a few young poets decided to ask Vishwakarma himself.

"We have tried to do what you do," they said. "We too have stared at the moon for hours, but the moon does not speak to us."

Vishwakarma laughed heartily.

"Don't stare at the moon," he said. "Follow the moon!"

Puzzled by his reply, they questioned him further about it. But they soon realized that while he was not trying to hide anything from them, he simply had nothing more to say.

Many years passed.

It was a full moon night. A man arrived at the palace gates carrying a message for the King. It was a message from Vishwakarma. He had finished composing his poem - the finest poem. The messenger wanted to deliver the message to the King himself. But the King's attendants did not wish to disturb the King at such a late hour. After all, this message could wait until the next morning.

The next day, early in the morning, the King arrived at Vishwakarma's hut, accompanied by a crowd. Vishwakarma was seated on the rock as usual. His eyes were open and his face turned upwards. As they approached him, they realized that it was too late. He was dead. The King laughed and shook his head. Somehow, he was not surprised.

Thousands of years have passed since then. Somehow, none of Vishwakarma's songs have survived. Even his name has been forgotten by the masses. The hut where he lived has turned to dust. But the hill still exists somewhere, as does the rock upon which he sat. And there are some strange legends about Vishwakarma's hill that are whispered among a few mad poets of this land.

It is said that if one having the soul of a poet visits Vishwakarma's hill even by accident, strange and beautiful songs begin to pour out of him. No one seems to know where the hill is, and yet, it is said that poets with enough madness in their souls are sometimes drawn to it by an invisible force. And when they find it, they know. On full moon nights, one can hear Vishwakarma's final poem - the finest poem. Those who hear it never write again because they realize that there is nothing left to write.

Among the few who know have heard of such things, some choose not to believe. Some believe with all their hearts. Some even claim to know the location of that hill, but they absolutely refuse to reveal it. They have only one thing to say as a clue - "Follow the moon!"

Saturday, July 21, 2012

On the boundary


On the sacred boundary
    Of life and death,
The absolute intimacy
    Of my breath,
I find you waiting
    And I fall
Into your embrace
    And dissolve.

Shambho!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Raindrop


Like a drop of rain falling
    Through the wide open sky
I fall through you in silence
    And watch emptiness go by.

I fell in love with you one day
    And even today I fall
Who knows where I shall land or if
    I shall land at all.

Where I might land some day
    It does not seem to matter
A drop is a drop while it falls
    When it lands... it's water!

*****

No, I have not fallen in love with a woman or anything like that! 

A conversation I had a couple of days back led me to the issue of being in trust. It is a remarkably tricky state to achieve. I am certainly not talking about trusting God or trusting fate or anything hocus-pocus like that. Imaginary props like that may bring some solace, but there is nothing wonderful about fooling yourself. I am talking about moving into trust for no reason at all. It is a very peculiar state of being and to touch it even for a moment is truly intoxicating. This is not about mental or emotional gymnastics - it is a completely different state of consciousness.

In a discourse during the consecration of the Linga Bhairavi Temple, Sadhguru talked about moving consciously into a state of trust.

"... I am not talking about belief. I am talking about moving into trust. So, how can I trust? The fact that you are sitting here comfortably (or not!) - that's trust. Because, you know there have been incidents where the Earth has opened up and swallowed people. There have been incidents where pieces of sky have fallen and people have been crushed to death. There have been situations - the very air that you breath has turned against you.... So you are anyway trustful... unconsciously. You are trustful unconsciously, unlovingly. I am talking about being trustful consciously, lovingly. That's devotion... Devotion is not fantasy. Devotion is not a belief system. Devotion is the sweetest way to be in existence."

It is could be very easy for someone to misunderstand what he is saying and think that he is talking about devotion to God. But he is not talking about trusting something you don't know. He is just talking about trusting existence. That does not mean that he is talking about believing that "everything is going to be fine in the future" - that would just self-deception. He is talking about just plain trust - based on nothing, demanding nothing. He is talking about trust that is rooted in the present, it is not concerned about the future. He is talking about falling in love with existence. He is talking about becoming a raindrop.

Falling in love with existence is very different from falling in love with a person. Falling in love with a person involves a lot of emotional nonsense. Falling in love with existence is meditation.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Kshatriya

Shivaji - one of the most remarkable Kshatriyas to walk the Earth.

It is a glorious story that everyone in Maharashtra knows very well. Over 350 years ago, on the slopes of Pratapgadh, the destiny of the Marathas stood on the edge of doom. It was the meeting of Shivaji, the fledgeling king of the Maratha rebels, and the gigantic Afzal Khan, the powerful and ruthless general of Bijapur. It was supposed to be a peaceful meeting, and Afzal Khan invited Shivaji into a friendly embrace. But even as he embraced him, he tightened his grip around the Maratha's neck, choking him, and tried to stab him in the back with a dagger. To his surprise, he encountered the chainmail that Shivaji had worn under his clothes. But he had no time to attack again. Shivaji had already torn open his belly with his own concealed weapon. Afzal Khan's bodyguard, Sayyad Banda rushed to defend his master. But before his sword could reach Shivaji, his arm had been chopped off by a swift blow from Shivaji's own bodyguard, Jiva Mahal. Within just a minute, the siege of Pratapgadh had essentially ended. The young Maratha king, who was to change the destiny of a nation, had survived.

There are thousands of minutes in a day and hundreds of days in a year. And hundreds of years have rolled by since that battle on the slopes of Pratapgadh. And yet, that one minute lives on in memory. Every blow that was struck, dodged or blocked within that one minute has been chronicled. That one minute has been enacted in plays and films and sung about in songs. And we still say "होता जिवा म्हणून वाचला शिवा" ("Shiva survived because Jiva was there"). How did the people who lived that minute experience it? What was Shivaji thinking then? What went through Jiva Mahal's mind as he stopped the blow that could have ended a dream? That has not been chronicled, but we can easily guess the answers to those questions. The answer is - absolutely nothing. If either of them had taken a moment to think at that time, the story would have been entirely different. That one minute was made glorious not because of great thoughts but because of the precise flash of a blade.

Mankind has been unfortunate enough to have gone through far too many wars. And every war has had its heroes - men and women who have done extraordinary things in the face of absolute peril. And yet, as far as I know, most of them have simply said that they were just doing what was necessary at that moment. We think of a hero as being very courageous, as someone who conquers his fear and does something difficult. But the fact is that being courageous in such situations does not involve conquering one's fear. It simply requires being genuinely sensitive to the moment and doing precisely what is required. If one were to take time off to find one's courage, it would just be too late to act.

Absolute peril has that wonderful quality - it can either paralyze a man and destroy him, or it can take him into that rare state when he is aware of nothing but the present moment. For that brief while, it can bestow godliness upon him. It almost makes it worthwhile to seek danger. It is possible that some people are just built that way - to face peril is the only way they can be at their absolute peak. In his book "Krishna - the Man and his Philosophy", Osho describes Arjuna as such a being - a true Kshatriya.
He is a swordsman; in his makeup he has the sharpness and thrust of the sword. He can shine only if he has a sword in his hand. He can find his soul and its fulfillment only in the depths of courage and valor, of battle and war. He cannot be fulfilled in any other manner. That is why Krishna tells him, ”It is better to die upholding one’s true nature than to live a borrowed life, which is nothing less than a horror. You die as a warrior, rather than live as a renegade. Then you will live a dead life. And a living death is better than a dead life.”
For the past few months my circumstances have been such that I have been under a constant peril of some sort. No, it has not been mortal peril, but circumstances have arisen in such ways that certain parts of my life were constantly under a genuine threat. I tried to manage this situation in different ways with limited success. One thing is, I told myself that I needed to accept the situation completely to deal with it in the best possible way. That did work at times, but not too well. Intellectual acceptance of this kind has only a limited effect. But then came those wonderful moments when the situation became genuinely unbearable. Yes, those were the wonderful moments since those were the moments when thought simply had to stop and action flowed. Something wonderful happened - a strange new life, a strange new bliss in the middle of hell. Of course, what I have been going through certainly cannot be compared to mortal peril, but for a brief moment, a little understanding dawned upon me. For a brief moment, I understood what true Kshatriyas might have been like. For a brief moment, I understood why Krishna wanted Arjuna to fight, why Arjuna needed to fight, whether he wanted to or not.

Genuine awareness can dawn upon a person in so many ways. The path of peril is a truly remarkable path for those who are able to walk upon it. People have so many theories about why Krishna allowed the Mahabharata war to happen. I think that one reason might have been that he saw the peril of war as a wonderful opportunity for so many people. It is said that Krishna himself did not strike a blow during the war. But I think that is a lie. Krishna, the man, may not have struck a single blow. But Krishna, as a spiritual possibility, was alive in the edge of every sword and on the tip of every arrow. 

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Guru Poornima


Like the moon that shines
   In the heavens above
Flawless is your beauty
   Untainted by my love.


*****

It is Guru Poornima today, and most people would think that it is the day to say something sentimental about one's Guru. But the madman I am so helplessly bound to is not very sentimental, most of the time anyway. So taking a cue from him, I will try to tone things down a little and take a clinical look at this peculiar relationship that people have with the Guru.

I have nothing to say about other spiritual masters whom I have never seen. And to be honest, I don't even wish to say anything about the one that I have seen. The idea of saying something meaningful about him is almost terrifying. And yet, I am going to force myself to say something. I am not sure whether what I say will be coherent. But that does not matter. I think most people who have been genuinely touched by Sadhguru's presence even for a moment are completely confused when it comes to verbalizing the experience. Yes, people break into tears and say a lot of sentimental things. I certainly do not wish to look down upon their expressions of emotion. But I think the confusion that precedes these sentiments is much truer expression of what is going on with them. I think the confusion occurs because we experience something that is intense and is yet somehow independent of our emotions.

The connection that people feel with him is not about being strongly attracted to his personality and it is not even about gratitude. My own life has been through many ups and downs (perhaps far more than normal) since I have come into his sphere of influence and I can honestly say that my sentiments have not always been  flowery. And yet, when I have encountered moments when I was absolutely at the end of my tether, he was there. Though this may sound sentimental, it was certainly not so in reality. When you are absolutely at the end of your tether, you are usually too tired to feel emotion. Hollow emotions cannot hold you up at those times. One needs rocks to stand on, one cannot stand on air. And so when I say that he was there, I mean that when I felt that I had lost everything, I found that I had still not lost him. Or perhaps it may sound more sensible if I were to say that I had not lost what he has given me. At those moments I was too tired too feel gratitude or love or to even draw any sort of solace from his presence, and yet, he was just there. Just like the sky and the earth, whether I acknowledged him or not, he was just there. It is not important whether I was able to use his presence to improve my lot. What is relevant here is that when everything seemed to have broken down, when my emotions were exhausted, I was still not free of him. He was there as a way of being. And by being that way, I survived.

I know that this does not explain anything. It is not supposed to. I just wish to say that what pours out of him, what we receive from him cannot really be measured or understood in terms of the outpourings of emotion that occur around him. He describes himself as a mechanic, as someone who just does what is needed. That may sound like a rather clinical, emotionless way to express what he is. And yet, it is fitting that he should be described in this manner. What happens through him is so rich that it does not need to be embellished with emotion. What it actually is, is still a mystery to me. In the immortal words of another great Guru, Master Oogway, "I don't know."

Master Oogway: "I don't know."

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Drunkenness and Creativity

Drunk on half a drop...


People have said a great deal about the connection between meditation and creativity. I have only half a drop of meditation in my life. So perhaps I am not really qualified to speak about this, but I am going to say a few things anyway since that half drop has been enough to get me drunk. And when people get drunk, they start talking recklessly, don't they? Can't be helped. They can't be blamed for it. Blame the one who gets them drunk.

People think that meditation relaxes the mind by silencing it which makes it creative simply because the it starts seeing things that were hidden by the clouds of chaos. While this is essentially correct, it is a little too simplistic, too easy to misinterpret. And the reason for that is that typically, we do not have any idea about the incredible depths of relaxation that are possible. I certainly do not claim to have experienced those depths in their entirety. And what little I have experienced has certainly not been because of my own efforts. I have simply been fortunate enough to have caught that half a drop from the fountain of Silence.

To be able to step out of the well-beaten paths of everyday thought, one has to first stop walking on those paths. Creativity is the ability to create something genuinely new. For something to be genuinely new, it cannot be born out of just a superficial reorganization of what one already has - it must be born out of absolutely nothing. It must emerge from the void, from Silence. Then surely it stands to reason that for the phenomenon of true creation to happen through us, we must first step into Silence.

From my own meagre experience, I would like to say (not that I have any right to say such things, but I am drunk!) that what happens in Silence is far more than the simplistic explanation that I have mentioned above.

Silence has a life of its own, an intelligence of its own.

So then can one employ meditation to become more creative in the arts, sciences and all the other nonsense that we indulge in? I would say - no, that is not how it will work. One cannot enter Silence with a motive. Motives are loud things. One must leave them behind before one can enter Silence. And then one can only wait in the womb of Silence for new things to be born. Sometimes they may be the things that we are looking for, sometimes they may be something entirely different. All we can do is allow them to manifest through us. The Silence lives on its own terms. We can only allow it to live through us. As it is, what it has much more to offer that we can ever ask for. So it is no loss to leave our little demands behind. They will be satisfied in ways we can never think of (we are just not creative enough on our own).

All we can do is be drunk, even if it is on just half a drop! All we can do is offer ourselves to the magnificence of Silence, to its glorious creativity.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Falling



The fool who stares at the Sun
    Knowing that he may lose his eyes
May one day see the blessed land
    That beyond the darkness lies.

The fool who gladly leaps off cliffs
    Knowing well that he may die
May one day sprout golden wings
    And inherit the open sky.


***** 

For years, I have had a rather peculiar experience at times and it is only recently that I have begun to understand what it is. At times, it so happened that I began to listen to a song and was so overwhelmed by its beauty that I had to stop listening to it. And there were times when I was reading a book and was so overwhelmed by what it was saying that I had to close it. Peculiar though this may be, I am sure it is not entirely unique. Everyone must have experienced something like this now and then. There is, of course, no way to engineer such an experience. The same song, the same book may not reproduce such an experience again.

It is only now that I am beginning to understand what a wonderful opportunity such an experience is. The only reason why we are compelled to "break the moment" in such a situation is because we are about to hit a glorious peak of energy where the mind is bound to fail, where it would have no option but to become silent. The mind tries to salvage its nonsense in such situations by running away. But if we were to not fall prey to such foolishness, something wonderful can open up.

There is a beautiful madman called Swami Rajneesh who, it seems, teaches his followers to take their energies to a peak through dance and to find those golden moments of absolute stillness at those heights. Well, it seems that sometimes even when we are not physically dancing, those peaks can come to us as gifts from existence. Those unbearably beautiful songs should be listened to. Those terribly beautiful books must not be closed. And at those moments when we are so deliriously happy that we cannot bear to be still... those are the moments when we should sit still and allow the madness to overwhelm us. These Great Waves are not meant to be avoided. We should ride them, for there is every chance that they might toss us so high into the sky that we may never return. They might toss us so high, that we might forget which way is down... and then we might just fall upwards. 

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Moments


Just like a squirrel
Opening up nuts
I open each moment
Looking for you.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Oasis

Taljai temple, Pune

One of the nice things about living in Sahakarnagar (in Pune) is that it is close to the Taljai hill. I go up there almost every day these days and I particularly like the Taljai temple. I have grown up in Sahakarnagar, so Taljai has been a big part of my life. It is just a tiny little hill and it is certainly not very high, but when I was small, it looked quite big. Even today, when I see a mountain, somewhere at the back of my mind, I compare it with the Taljai hill. Some day I hope to visit Kailash and I am sure that one of the first things that will come to my mind when I get there is that it seems much bigger than the Taljai hill.

I remember going up there when I was small. The wonderful forest that covers half of this hill was quite young then. It had just been planted a few years ago and the trees were still growing. The supposedly "haunted house" halfway up the hill used to excite me quite a lot, particularly when I was about five years old. I remember that even then I did not actually believe that it was haunted, but that I wanted to believe. There were two ways to go up - there were steps along one side of the hill, leading up up to the temple, and there was just a dirt road from another side.

Then years passed and the forest grew thicker. It soon became a very popular place to go for walks. When I was fifteen or so, it was one of the usual places to go to with friends. The haunted house was no longer haunted - it was just a place for young kids like us to hang out in. I can remember quite a few amusing and/or "meaningful" conversations that took place on its terrace. The forest had now turned into quite a convenient place to commit crimes. It was not considered a very safe place to be except in the early morning or in the evening when there would be a lot of people going there for walks.

Things have kept on changing. The dirt road has been replaced by a tar one, which is surprisingly well-maintained. The haunted house has almost fallen to pieces. There is a proper fence around the forest. The temple is no longer as tiny as it used to be. They have built concrete platforms around it for people to hang about. There is even some sort of a sports center that has come up right next to the temple. It has all become a little too convenient. Every morning and evening hundreds of people drive up to the temple in cars and on motorcycles and go for walks in the forest. There are places for people to sit and for children to play. Near the temple, there are all kinds of shops selling snacks and tea so that people can stuff their faces immediately after they have lost about half a pound by jogging or walking. The police are around quite regularly, so the place has become much safer (or so it seems anyway).

So, what is my point? Am I going to moan about how the place has lost its innocence and how much nicer it was in the past? Well, yes and no. There are times when I think that the place was nicer when it was a little more deserted. At the same time, it is really not all that bad. I can complain about how ugly the tar road is, but the fact is that it does make it easier to go up there, particularly during the monsoon months. And I cannot really say that the place is no longer beautiful. Yes, it has a little more structure to it now, it is not as "natural" as it used to be perhaps. But it is still beautiful in a way. The trees are still there and so is the sky. And while I do not particularly enjoy seeing all those motorcycles and cars, I have to admit that it is nice to see how happy and relaxed people seem up there. Yes, most of them are missing the true beauty of the place as they go around chatting about politics or listening to stupid Bollywood songs. But they are getting something out of it anyway. It can be seen on their faces.

The place is really an oasis in the middle of the city. Let's be honest - a city is a ghastly thing to behold, let alone live in. No, I do not have any right to criticize city life because I am very much a city person. I am sure I would not enjoy living in a village for too long, let alone living in the wild. But one must admit that even though we have grown used to, perhaps even dependent on the convenience of living together in large groups, we do look incredibly ugly while we do so. This lovely little place takes us away from the city for a while. No wonder people look relaxed up there. It is not just that they come close to nature by walking about in the forest. Even if there had been no trees, even if it had just been a desert, it would have still helped people relax. It is my theory that we all hate cities even though we depend on them. Somewhere in the back of our minds, we are aware of how ugly they are and it makes us happy to get away.  

Anyway, to conclude, here is a picture of the platform next to the temple. These days, I spend a lot of time sitting here.

I sit here and pretend to meditate.



Sunday, June 17, 2012

Guru Pooja


Isha Foundation has been conducting a Guru Pooja Training program in Pune this weekend. It is being conducted on the premises of the University of Pune. I have been attending the program as a volunteer and it has been an extremely rewarding experience.

I went through Guru Pooja Training in November 2011 at the Isha Yoga Center near Coimbatore. That had been an overwhelming experience at that time. Of course, this time I already knew beforehand about the kind of madness I was going to descend into. But that has not made the experience any less overwhelming.

In my last post, I talked about how Linga Bhairavi is "my greatest embarrassment" - I would never be able to explain Her to the "logical" crowd that I associate with. Well, Guru Pooja is another one of those embarrassing things. Not everyone reading this might know what Guru Pooja is, so I should probably say something about that. However, I simply do not have the courage to explain it in my own words. So here is a link.

Even without going into the details of what Guru Pooja is, I can certainly talk about what I experienced today. As a volunteer, apart from doing the few odd things that required to be done, I spent all day with the participants, doing what they did. I have been drowned in the Guru Pooja chant all day. That probably sounds like the kind of activity that might numb the brain. It is possible that it might numb the brain if you are not really aware of what you are doing. But when done with awareness, it certainly can do some truly marvelous things to you.

Today, as I went on with the chant, I realized something in a very deep way. What I realized is not some kind of an elusive truth - it is really just a bit of common sense that would not surprise anyone at all. And yet, just because you know something does not mean that it has penetrated the depths of your being. Sometimes, the simplest of truths come back to you in very deep ways. That is what happened to me, and what I realized was this - when you chant something like that, you have to chant with your entire being. That may not sound like much, but that is because we don't know what it is to do something with our entire being. When you chant something like that with your entire being, when your entire system comes alive with a strange new intelligence and bends its will on a single utterance... and when what you are uttering is something like this chant, some truly amazing things can happen.

Now I could spend a lot of time talking about those "amazing things that can happen", but what truly overwhelmed me was those few moments when I was chanting with all (or almost all?) my being. What a rare and exhilarating feeling to be in one place, doing one thing. There is truly nothing like it when all the pieces of your being are facing in one direction. Perhaps it takes something like this chant to make it happen. What a blessing it would be to go through life like this!

What miserable people we are! For a moment, let us forget about all the spiritual/philosophical nonsense that we have burdened ourselves with over the centuries. How about just the simple idea that whatever we do, we will do with all our being? We will not drop any of our desires. If we want something, we will desire it with all our being - body, mind and soul (whatever that might be). If you want something, your mind should desire it with all its force. Your body should reach out for it with all its strength. But as it happens, when we desire something, even our mind is not entirely with us. It is already thinking about how we may not get what we want. So we long for it. What a pathetic way to be! To long for something is truly a sin. Either you go ahead and reach for it with the whole of your being or you don't. If your entire being were involved in the act of reaching for something, you would simply not have the time or energy to spend on longing.
 
How many of us can be like this? Whatever way of being one chooses for oneself, that choice must be absolute. It is the only way to be. Perhaps there are people like this. I have certainly seen some people who come close to being like this. I would like to be like this. It is good to get a taste of that possibility once in a while.

I am sure that does not sound like a very profound truth, but as I said, what matters is how deeply one realizes it.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Babbling baby

The middle of the night,
Mommy sleeps.
The moon peers in
Through a shaft of light
And lights up the crib
Where Baby sits
Alone in his world
And babbles on...

*****

I remember listening to Sadhguru chastising people about how scattered they are, about how hard he has to work to bring them into the Here and Now. I remember feeling ashamed of myself as I heard him, and yet I knew that my energies were shamelessly dancing across half the globe. It is really unfortunate that we have so much energy. If we did not have so much of it, we would not waste so much of it. Of course, if we did not have energy, we would end up falling asleep since becoming meditative requires energy. I would like to think that being meditative does not require any effort at all, but I do know for a fact that going in that direction requires some effort. It requires effort to realign these million pieces of myself until they all face the same way.

And yet, scattered though we are, there come those rare moments of blessedness when we are struck with just the right amount of ennui - not enough to cause depression and make us stop living, but enough to cause us to stop looking. Looking! That original sin through which we turned outward to begin with! A stunted little consciousness looking out through two little windows into a sea of nonsense! Just the right amount of ennui so that the eyes close and we enter our own inner world.

No one else. Just a very private world, like a crib illuminated by a shaft of moonlight. No effort to meditate, just a profound silence caused by being where you really, really want to be. Here! Oh, what a wonderful place Here is!

To just be Here... to not make an effort to meditate... to not make an effort to become silent... to just babble incoherently without the obligation to make sense! What an ocean of silence lives in the nonsensical words of a baby!

Tonight I sat in the dark, in front of Bhairavi, the room just lit by the lamp of the gudi. Her immense presence filled the dark room... (She does not sleep!) That is when I saw that baby, babbling in the dark.

Jai Bhairavi!


Thursday, June 7, 2012

Fragile beauty

A woman asked her lover, "What do you like the most about me?"  

Somewhat startled by the question, he paused for a moment. Then, with great pain in his eyes, he answered, "What I liked the most about you was that I thought you were the kind of woman who would never ask me such a question."

*****

True beauty is such a fragile thing. The slightest movement in unawareness, and it is gone. And yet, it is so resilient. No matter how many times we destroy it, no matter how many times we trample it, it resurfaces again and again, seeping in repeatedly from some blessed dimension.



It is very rarely that we manage to see some of this ever-present beauty in life. Life is really like a beautiful lawn - inviting you to step on it, to enjoy it. And yet, even the slightest step in unawareness can destroy its perfection. One should really walk through life with the same care and awareness that one might have when one steps on a perfect lawn. But usually we are like a herd of irate hippopotami...

I was re-reading the first chapter of "Glimpses of a Golden Childhood" by Osho. He speaks about this beautiful poem,

The wild geese
Do not intend to make their reflections.
The water has no mind
To receive their images.


He speaks about this poem as a way to describe what he calls "communion" as opposed to "communication" - communion happens by itself, but communication carries within it the tension of intention and thus never really happens. What Osho is celebrating (I think) is the beauty inherent in an absence of intention. Somehow, in my mind, the poem depicted a state of absolute awareness. Perhaps the two are interconnected. Perhaps true awareness is only possible when intention is absent.


Well, Osho can talk about his wild geese. I was talking about this woman and her lover. Returning to that tale...

*****

Even as he said those words, he regretted saying them. Not only had something precious between them been lost because of her question, his answer was bound to cause her immeasurable pain. 


But to his surprise, she listened quietly to his answer... and smiled, from the very depths of her being. So enchanting was her smile that he found, to his surprise, that he too was smiling.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Radha's song

It sang once, now fallen mute,
To my bosom I clasp his flute.
I bring it to my lips to play
But only one thing does it say,
All the notes speak as one...
That I am his, I am his!
The music says that I am his!


They see the madness in my eyes
And hear my lost, plaintive cries.
I look for him here and there.
They follow me in mute despair.
They weep and weep and they say...
That I am his, I am his!
The gopis say that I am his!


The birds that once saw him and me
Sing flying from tree to tree.
"You taught us how to love," they say,
"And yet, where is your love today?"
But in those songs I only hear...
That I am his, I am his!
The birds do say that I am his!


The patient earth bears my feet
In cold and rain and burning heat,
And catches tears when they fall
As for him I call and call.
Only echoes call back to me...
That I am his, I am his!
The echoes say that I am his!


The Yamuna once beheld our dance,
The sacred grace of our romance.
Grieving today with me is she.
Her soothing waters speak to me,
As lovingly they caress my feet...
That I am his, I am his!
The waters say that I am his!


The winds still bring me his scent
As I wonder where my Krishna went.
I follow the gusts of this breeze.
It takes me winding through the trees.
As it dries my tears it says...
That I am his, I am his!
The wind does say that I am his!


Now he dwells on another shore.
I know I will see him no more.
And yet my eyes behold his face,
My limbs quiver in his embrace.
For before he left he said to me...
That I am his, I am his!
My Krishna said that I am his!


Behold, O gods! And be pleased!
For Radha today has truly ceased.
She broke the shackles of her fate
And the Lord walks in her gait!
Now she can say no more...
For she is his, she is his!
The silence says that she is his!

Radha's pots

Seeing Krishna at her window, the gopi's heart leapt with joy. With shining eyes and open arms, she called out to him.

"Come, O thief. My pots are filled today, to the brim. The butter is fresh, and you have no need steal any more. Just for a few moments at your feet, I offer you everything I have."

However, today, Krishna was not tempted. Though he smiled at her, full of love, he passed her by and went to Radha's house.

When Radha saw her beloved at the window, she did not welcome him.

"Go away, you thief! I have nothing left. The pots are empty. You and your friends have robbed me clean!"

But he did not go away. He entered the house, through the window, as was his wont. Meeting Radha's defiant gaze with his smile, he peered into her pots. He found them empty, as she had said.

Then the Lord sat next to those empty pots. He put his flute to his lips and began to play. The whole of Creation stood still, in anticipation of that heavenly sound. And yet, somehow, no one heard anything.

The sound never left Radha's house. Sitting next to those empty pots, Krishna played his flute. The world heard nothing, but the pots were filled with the sound.

And so was she.

Post-Samyama

Post-Samyama... anyone who is associated with Isha would need no explanation for this term. But for those who do not know, Samyama is an intense eight day yoga program conducted by Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev at the Isha Yoga Center near Coimbatore. It has been over 3 months since I attended this program and I would like to write about how life has changed since then. The term post-Samyama is quite apt since, as anyone who has been through the program would know, life does change quite dramatically within those eight days.

Of course, it is not possible to speak about what is actually done during the program - partly because it is forbidden to speak about it, but mostly because what happens there is far beyond my understanding anyway. But I think it would be quite appropriate to speak about some general impressions.

As I said, most of the things that happened there are far beyond my understanding. I certainly ran into some difficulties during the program. Physically, I had prepared myself as well as I could have. But then I caught a cold which lead to a fever. And yet, despite my illness and a million other limitations, fortunately what happened there was so huge that I could not escape it. Perhaps if I had prepared myself better, perhaps if I had been psychologically more stable, I could have gotten much more out of it. But there is no point in thinking about that. What matters is that, even with all my limitations, he managed to drag me, kicking and screaming, through a transformation of some sort.

Impressions of Samyama -
Over a thousand people meditating in silence. A man with a white beard and fiery eyes walks among them. Even in that silence, his presence bears down on everyone with the ferocity of the wildest of storms. Sometimes, nothing seems to happen. And sometimes the air crackles and another dimension of life pours in out of nowhere. It is as if he is everywhere at once, there is no escaping him. He is ruthless and almost impatient about our limitations, and yet his compassion shines through his willingness to carry on. A thousand souls, whether they know it or not, whether they believe it or not, are carried to the doorstep of a completely new possibility of life. And after this superhuman effort, he just goes on...




I cannot say much more about the program apart from these vague impressions, but much can be said about how my life changed afterwards. During the program, participants are initiated into the meditational practice called Samyama. I don't know how much I missed during the program, but this practice is the greatest gift I have ever received from anyone. And he gave it to me even though I was so obviously unworthy. It makes no sense to thank him for this. Thanking someone, expressing gratitude is, in a way, a form of repayment. That would make no sense here. It is far better to walk through life being in his debt.

Those who are close to me would know that I went through some very trying experiences immediately after the program. Everything in my life was changing and still is changing with such rapidity that under normal circumstances I would have fallen apart. Through all this, the practice of samyama meditation has served as a lifeline. I will not say that I have not suffered at all. But through all the suffering there has been an undercurrent of silence, and at times even laughter! When I say that there has been an undercurrent of silence, words cannot really convey what that means. It has not been the silence of an empty room. It has been the deeply nourishing silence of life at ease - the kind of silence that carries fire in its belly.

I have begun to experience life with heightened sensitivity. For instance, I recently read the book "Krishna - the Man and his Philosophy" by Osho. It is certainly an extraordinary book. But an extraordinary book can be read in very ordinary ways and then it amounts to nothing. I do know that the very way I read this book was a consequence of Samyama. And as a result, it came vibrantly alive for me. The words poured into me like liquid laughter and Krishna seemed to come alive in a very deep sense. Krishna has always been a character that I have been fond of. Yes, Hindus worship him as a God, but there is no denying the fact that no matter how we pretend to "believe in him", he is just a character in a story for us. And he is a character that we think we know very well. And yet, after I read this book, it was as if I was drowning in something completely new. Of course, that is the greatness of Osho, but I would have never been this receptive to it if it had not been for Samyama. Perhaps this is how people felt when they participated in "Leela" - the program on Krishna that Sadhguru had conducted some years ago in the Isha Yoga Center. 

So intense was that experience that I automatically took to writing. Now, like many other people, I have been guilty of writing atrocious poetry(?) as a child. And I mean, really bad poetry - the sort that later makes you wonder what your parents were doing when you were up to something like this. But that was long ago and I have been sufficiently embarrassed with myself to not want to try anything that rash. But what happened here was truly amazing - the poetry, if I may call it that, poured out of me in one swift motion. Experiences come to us in many ways, but I never really experienced anything in the form of a picture or a song. And yet, that happened to me. One night I was drowned in a powerful image (and no, I don't mean that I saw visions or anything stupid like that) which I turned into a short story called "Radha's pots". Some days later, a song poured out of me, one that I titled as "Radha's song". I am not sure how this would rate as poetry, but for once, I was not embarrassed! Perhaps that is because I don't really see myself as having written any of it.

And who knows what else...